Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Meltdown

I had a major meltdown yesterday, luckily it was with my sister but I felt bad afterwards - as if I had thrown up all over her and I couldn't get the gunk off of her. Long story short - my (other) sister's two daughters live with me. It's a fairly new thing - one has only been here since Memorial Day 2005. I don't have any kids and I was single for 22 years so this whole - living with other people thing is only about 4 years old with me. And I am a total noise freak. I like it quiet. I don't like doors slamming or really closing loudly either. You're probably deducting that I am difficult to live with. I am. I also like order. Things in their place. Scissors where they're suppose to be. Things like that. Guess we should state I am very difficult to live with. Man, seeing that in black and white really gives me a new perspective. I am very hard to live with.
Okay, let's move on. These two girls are very good kids. They aren't drugging or smoking or sexing - okay, we have that established. And they're not kids - they're now 20 and 19. One is still in high school and she's the baby. But they really are good and soon-to-be grown ups.
I don't know how to explain it other than to say I am having a really hard time right now - well, I guess I have been for several months now. They make me crazy. They think they are grown up but they're still in school so 1 of them works part time. The other one is struggling in school so she's not working. I vacillate between trying to guide them to leaving them alone and letting them make their own mistakes. I made the mistake today of trying to guide. And when I do, they can be so bitchy and mouthy and I hate that. I'm tired of being worked over - and that's how I feel. Worked over in my own effffffing house. I'm resentful of the money, which I shouldn't be. I don't feel like the loving aunt any more. I feel like the resentful bitch who just wants to be left alone with her new husband. And my husband is really kind and generous - he accepts them and doesn't complain - unless they leave the doors unlocked when they leave or something like that. He's really been great about it. Of course, if you've ever noticed, men don't ever really get involved with raising kids. Not the hard stuff anyway. Anyway, I'm tired of fighting and feeling bad and I just wish it would go away. I'm not equpped for this stuff. Maybe thats some insight - maybe I lived alone for so long or never had kids was so that I didn't have to deal with this stuff. I'm just not good at it. It hurts too much. Enough crying.
Well, let's move on to something fun. The class on Saturday was excellent! We learned dry embossing and embossing with paste and brass stencils. Best part was learning proper technique - good stuff. Now I want Dreamweaver brass stencils... I also bought the Stamper's Sampler Take Ten book which looks incredibly cool - I want to learn something called polished stone and maybe dabble a little with collage. We shall see. It's all good. Had a good time at Maridawn's for the crop even though I didn't get much done. Made a great card for Amy's birthday with one of my new stamps but its in .pdf format so I can't figure out how to post it. And its at work. And finally, I've been working on various issues with our homeowners association and it just amazes me how some people can gripe and complain about every little thing. miniscule nit picky shit - they have to go on and on. They were complaining because the new street lights are TOO bright and shine so much that they have to shield their eyes when they walk out their front door. I kid you not. I would never be good for public service. We'll just leave it at that - I can't quit my day job. Good night!

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Try not to be so hard on yourself! I would imagine that everything you are going through is pretty normal. It is so hard to getting adjusted to living with a new husband let alone 2 other people. It sounds like you are doing the best you can. Hang in there! I really appreciated your post on Monday. It helped my bummer day seem better! Thanks.

Valerie

Gretchen said...

I am sure it's quite an adjustment... hang in there. Years from now they'll remember this and they'll appreciate it and appreciate you... they will! :-)

The crop was fun - I didn't get anything done, lol!

Anonymous said...

I have been thinking about you! Hope the week is going better. And I am SO jealous you get to actually crop with Gretchen. Man you lucky lucky girl!

Valerie